Enjoy this conversation with end-of-life doula Mike Reagan. How can we embrace opportunities to “serve” at the end of life? What does it mean to “show up” when someone is dying? Is it possible to engage with all that death presents us with? Mike shares some meaningful insights and experiences from his service of sitting with people at “the 11th hour” as a hospice volunteer. What if we could respond with our presence as those we love enter the final stage of life?

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Transcript:

Diane Hullet: Hi, I’m Diane Hullet, and you’re listening to the Best Life, Best Death podcast. And today, it’s the week of Thanksgiving in 2024. And I’ve asked a wonderful, warm colleague and doula in Boulder, Colorado to join me. Hi, Mike Regan. 

Mike Reagan: Hi, Diane. Nice to be here. 

Diane Hullet: Mike and I met in part because we both are volunteers for True Hospice.

And actually, that’s not quite true because the truth is that I met Mike before I took the volunteer training with True. And it was really, um, you know, you that kind of inspired me for that particular direction. You know, you said their training And the people who work there are so strong and it’s such a great community.

And that has been all true. So 

Mike Reagan: great. Yeah. 

Diane Hullet: So Mike’s work is called peaceful presence. You can find out about the work he does at peaceful presence. org. But when Mike and I started talking, we thought, you know, there’s this beautiful kind of way to think about Thanksgiving week as partly being about giving and about talking about service.

And about what it means to serve in whatever way that happens for you in your life, whether it’s a formal role as a doula or a volunteer, or whether you work in the end of life field, or whether you simply at some point will serve a family member or a friend. So let me, let me start by just reading something from your website, Mike, because I think this is beautiful.

On your website, you write, I’m often asked, how can you do this work? Isn’t it depressing? My simple answer is it fills my heart. I feel so blessed and honored to accompany people during the final stage of their human journey. I’ve witnessed time and again, how a loving, peaceful presence can help individuals and families transform from a state of uncertainty, anxiety, and fear.

To one of profound meaning and peace. 

Mike Reagan: Yeah. Um, well, let’s say the, uh, the depth of connection that is possible when someone is serving a loved one or a stranger at the time of death. is is profound. Um, and given the way our society looks at, at, at death and dying these days, and no one knows this better than you, given your podcast and what you cover here, there’s a common uh, aversion to embracing what opportunity may exist, uh, at the, at the stage of the final leg of a journey for a loved one.

Um, most, most people are disinclined to get close, to engage. They, they would prefer someone else does it. They want it to be, uh, you know, pristine and taken care of, and they don’t want to get in there and, and, and, and participate mostly because, you know, they, they were raised to think that. That’s not what you do, you know, let the person go to the hospital, let the doctors do whatever they can to help sustain life.

And the reality is for many folks towards the end, um, it’s just a natural process. All right. They’re there, the body knows how to shut down. Uh, and there’s an opportunity for family members or service providers, whether it’s an end of life doula or folks that are in hospice care to step into that space and serve the folks in their final leg of their journey.

And as an end of life doula and hospice volunteer, I’ve had the beautiful privilege of being able to, to sit in that space with hundreds of patients. Um, uh, and beautiful things have happened as a result. And my ability to just be present and serve has yielded. Immense joy for me. Um, and I’ve got a number of, of examples of that and stories and just beautiful stories, um, but it may be helpful for me to, to share kind of my ritual, if you will, you want me to share that kind of, yeah, yeah.

So, um, I’ve, I’ve done a variety of. of, uh, types of service under the hospice umbrella. But my, my kind of sweet spot, what I, what I’ve enjoyed most is sitting with patients at the end when they don’t have anyone else to sit with them. And, um, and so I’ve had many situations like that. And there was one, uh, situation where I arrived for my shift at, at the care center, the hospice care center, um, and.

I discovered that, um, uh, there was one patient, a woman who was actively dying and she was alone. So I, I, I went to her room and what I typically do is before I enter the room, I just pause and I, I sort of mentally, uh, leave all of my thoughts and, you know, Uh, issues at the door and try to commit to leaving them all there so I could just be present with a patient and then I’ll make a silent prayer to, to be a channel of peace in whatever way that may manifest, uh, for this person.

And then I entered the room and in this instance, I, uh, I found this woman, she was probably in her. Um, and she was, uh, actively dying, but she was also somewhat aware. But the thing that stood out to me most was her rigidity and her fear. It was palpable. I, I saw her rigid as can be, and her eyes were darting back and forth, and she was laying flat on the bed.

And I, I, my heart went out to her. I’m like, she’s struggling so much. And I could tell she was afraid and she was alone. And so, uh, I, I always will approach my patient that I’m serving and introduce myself. And, uh, and I don’t know if she was able to fully understand what I said. I’m a, I’m a, my name is Mike.

I’m a volunteer and I’m here to serve you, uh, in whatever way I can. And I’ll usually take their hand and I’ll usually sit with them, but that night, uh, I felt compelled to stand and I held her hand and I stood up by her head and And her eyes were darting back and forth and she wasn’t able to speak. I could tell that she was so afraid and I Uh, I just kind of surrendered to being a channel of peace for her and I just stroked I used my other hand And stroked the top of her head and I silently conveyed to her as I looked into her eyes You are so loved you are so Loved and she looked at me And she completely relaxed and then she took her last breath and that’s all she needed.

She was struggling out of fear of not knowing what’s next, of not, uh, of not knowing what she was supposed to do to get through this. Challenging time and what she really needed was to know that she was just loved and she was in Engulfed in love and I truly believe that there was a lot more love presence than just me Uh, you know present there for her and I believe that she transitioned in a beautiful peaceful sense of of love and That’s just an example of what?

Anyone that wants to serve? Uh folks at the end of life We’re given this gift to be present for people. Um, and, uh, and even if the patient isn’t, doesn’t appear to be aware, You know, hearing is often the last thing to go. Um, and just one’s physical presence, provided we can set our own stuff aside and just be there with unconditional love, the gift that can be, uh, provided.

In just your presence and unconditional love is immeasurable. Uh, and I’ve had the joy of being able to, to serve in that capacity a lot. 

Diane Hullet: As you said, it fills your heart. What a, what a beautiful story. I mean, it’s really. You are filling her heart and your heart, and it’s just this basic, basic human presence that can transform these really difficult situations.

Not always. Death is hard. Death is sadness and loss, but there’s something about the capacity to sit with it that I think expands our own heart, our own experience, our own being. And it’s a, it’s a real gift what you bring to people. 

Mike Reagan: Oh, well, thanks. I, I think it’s available for, for anyone that is, is open to serving in that capacity.

Uh, when, when, when someone can step into a state of true unconditional love where there’s no judgment, there’s no, uh, sort of opinions at present, there’s no baggage. You’re just there with unconditional love. And. That can be difficult for people if it’s a family member and there’s a lot of history there um And that’s one of the benefits of a volunteer, which, you know, you get to step into that role without any history.

And sometimes it’s a lot easier to just show up without that history and to love unconditionally than it may be. If it’s a sibling, uh, or a parent with a lot of water that’s flowed under the bridge and a lot of history and, um, you know, uh, in it’s difficult to set a lot of the negative stuff aside to be present with unconditional love, but it’s possible if we just open up our hearts.

I, um, I had another gentleman I served. I, uh, met him for the first time at the care center. Uh, and he had really lived as a hermit for like the last 10 years of his life. Uh, and he had a, a big tumor on the side of his face. Uh, and he was alone. He didn’t have any visitors, no family there. And I offered to go in and, and to perform a comfort touch on him.

And so I went and I introduced myself and, uh, And as I did, he kept trying to cover up this tumor on his face because it, for him, it was very unpleasant for probably many visitors. It was unpleasant as well. And, uh, and, and I said, look, you don’t need to cover that up. I’m, I’m okay with it. And he’s like, seriously.

Yeah, don’t worry about it. So he let the handkerchief fall and suddenly I could see him relax with me. And then I told him I could do comfort touch, which is like gentle acupressure on hands and feet. And, and I, and I said, would you like me to, to show you what it’s like? He said, okay. And comfort touch will oftentimes help people relax, reduce stress, sometimes even reduce pain that they’re feeling because it’s, it’s such a, a relaxing experience for them.

And he started to relax. And, uh, by the time I got to his feet, he told me, he said, you know, I just remembered something I haven’t, I haven’t thought about in years. And he said, I’ve never told anyone else this. And I said, would you like to tell me? And he said, yeah, I would. And I said, what’s that? And here I’m going to pause there because he’s engaging with someone that has showed up at his bedside, doesn’t know him from Adam, um, isn’t passing any judgment on him, isn’t turned off by this huge oozing tumor on the side of his face.

I’m just there to, to be with them. Right. And, uh, and that opened the door for him to be in a comfortable state himself and to explore things. And he shared with me that he remembered being, I think it was around three years old on a tricycle in his driveway in Iowa, uh, one morning. And he said, I remember watching the sun come up over the trees.

And I remember thinking to myself as a three year old. I used to be part of that light and I was really blown away by that. And, uh, so I let it hang for a bit as he was thinking about what he had just said. And after a moment or so, I said, can I ask you a question? And he said, yeah. And I said, as you think back to that time, when you, when you were acknowledging that you used to be part of that light, do you think you really were separated from the light?

Or was it just your perception at the time? And he thought he’s like I think it was just my perception at the time And it touched me so deeply to see this this human this beautiful man Thinking about his life thinking about where he is in his life remembering experiences And coming back to the reality that he’s still part of this light And he’s on the brink of passing over, right?

And so to see the opportunity for peace to settle on him through his own reflections and his own sort of contemplation of what’s real right now, um, and for him to, to be at peace with that, knowing he’s part of that light. It was, what a beautiful gift for me. It just, it warmed my heart. Yeah, it was wonderful.

Diane Hullet: Again, heartfelling. 

Mike Reagan: Yeah. Yeah. 

Diane Hullet: I’m going to grab a book. I was thinking about a chapter that really popped in my head as you were speaking that I read recently from this wonderful book, My Grandfather’s Blessings by Naomi Raymond. And, um, let me just, let me just read this. It’s so, so eyes right into the kind of service and presence that you’re talking about.

It’s a chapter called A Place of Refuge. Perhaps the most important thing we bring to another person is the silence in us, not the sort of silence that is filled with unspoken criticism or hard withdrawal, the sort of silence that is a place of refuge, of rest, of acceptance of someone as they are. We are all hungry for this other silence.

It is hard to find. In its presence, we can remember something beyond the moment, a strength on which to build a life. Silence is a place of great power and healing. Silence is God’s lap. Many things grow the silence in us, among them simply growing older. We may then become more a refuge than a rescuer, a witness to the process of life and the wisdom of acceptance.

A highly skilled AIDS doctor once told me that she keeps a picture of her grandmother in her home and sits before it for a few minutes every day before she leaves for work. Her grandmother was an Italian born woman who held her family close. Her wisdom was of the earth. Once, when Louisa was very small, her kitten was killed in an accident.

It was her first experience of death, and she had been devastated. Her parents had encouraged her not to be sad, telling her that the kitten was in heaven now with God. Despite these assurances, she had not been comforted, and she had prayed to God, asking Him to give her, her kitten back, but God did not respond.

In her anguish, she had turned to her grandmother and asked why. Her grandmother had not told her that the kitten was in heaven, as so many of the other adults had. Instead, she had simply held her and reminded her of the time when her grandfather had died. She, too, had prayed to God, but God had not brought Grandpa back.

And she did not know why. Louisa had turned into the soft warmth of her grandmother’s shoulder then and sobbed. And when finally she was able to look up, she saw that her grandmother was crying as well. Although her grandmother could not answer her question, a great loneliness had gone, and she felt able to go on.

All the assurances that the kitten was in heaven had not given her this strength or this peace. My grandmother was a lap, Rachel, she had told me, a place of refuge. I know a great deal about AIDS, but what I really want to be for my patients is a lap, a place from which they can face what they have to face and not be alone.

Taking refuge does not mean hiding from life. It means finding a place of strength, the capacity to live the life we have been given with greater courage and sometimes even with gratitude.

Mike Reagan: That’s beautiful. Thank you for sharing that. Yeah, lovely. And what a, what a nice message for Thanksgiving, right? To give thanks and to be grateful that there’s a, yeah, that, thank you. 

Diane Hullet: And I think even to sort of give thanks for the ways in which we can be a lap for each other or a silent presence. I, I for one am guilty of talking a lot and sometimes too much.

And so I love this idea of cultivating silence as a way of being present for people. 

Mike Reagan: Yeah, I, I agree. The, as you know, from your hospice volunteer work, um, just being. Uh, is so powerful and, and, uh, most of us don’t realize the gift that is available to us as, as the, the sitter, if you will, or the provider, uh, the, the gift of setting aside the need to do.

You know, we, we have this, we’re in a society where we feel like we’ve got to do, and I don’t know who first came up with this. Maybe it was Thich Nhat Hanh, but don’t just do something, sit there, right? We, we, um, when, when we, uh, allow ourselves to just be, uh, it, it opens the door to such beauty. And, and opportunity, uh, and it allows us to open our hearts and to connect with that beautiful light that connects us all.

And it’s there, but we tend to struggle to see it on an ongoing basis because we’re so busy. But when we do stop and just sit in quiet and presence, we can allow that beautiful magic to surface and come to our awareness and to, you know, support the connection we have with whoever it is we’re sitting with.

Yeah. 

Diane Hullet: Yes. I think this is a great place to stop. So over thanks break. If you have a little break from work or you’re sitting with family, you can think, don’t just do something, sit there. 

Mike Reagan: That’s right. Yeah. Very good. Excellent. Yeah. 

Diane Hullet: Thanks so much, Mike, for your time. As 

Mike Reagan: a 

Diane Hullet: doula and a volunteer, you can find out more about Mike’s work at peaceful presence.

org. And you can also find out about his new role of CEO. CEO at the Natural Funeral, which we’ll be talking about next week. 

Mike Reagan: Thanks, Diane. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. 

Diane Hullet: Happy Thanksgiving. Indeed. You’ve been listening to the best life, best death podcast, and as always, you can find out more about the work I do at best life, best death.

com. Thanks for listening.