This week’s BLBD podcast brings something a little different: it’s story time! Listen this week to hear a few of my favorite sections and ideas from this beautiful book by Lisa Smartt, Words at the Threshold: What We Say as We’re Nearing Death. As a linguist, she became interested in what people said as they neared the end of life – and not only the words, but the patterns and commonalities. I’ll share what she learned and what she suggests for how you can “courageously and compassionately witness final words.”

For more information on Best Life Best Death please visit our website at ⁠⁠www.bestlifebestdeath.com⁠⁠
Follow us on our social channels to receive pertinent and helpful resources on death, grieving, and more at:
Facebook: ⁠⁠www.facebook.com/bestlifebestdeath⁠⁠
Instagram: ⁠⁠www.instagram.com/bestlifebestdeath⁠⁠

Transcript:

Hi, you’re listening to the Best Life Best Death podcast, and I’m Diane Hullet. Today, it’s just me and I’ve got some story time reading about a favorite book, words at the threshold. What we say as we’re nearing death by Lisa Smart. This is a really interesting book and I wanted to share it because I think it’s something that people often experience and yet we don’t have a lot of common language or understanding of how.

Familiar and natural and normal. This is so words at the threshold. What does she mean by that? She’s talking specifically about what people say as they are nearing death or as they are dying. And you know what I love about it is Lisa is a linguist and she began studying and working with Raymond Moody Jr.

And together they launched this thing called [00:01:00] the. Final Words Project for the Final Words project. They gathered experiences that people had, what people had said, and they analyzed them for patterns and looked for commonalities. So much interesting research and information came out of the Final Words Project, and I just wanted to bring this book to your attention and share a few pieces from it here today.

Gosh. One of the things is that, I guess what I wanna say first is one of the things that we can do is talk to each other about these experiences so that they begin to make more sense. They begin to be part of our cultural conversation rather than feeling like it’s something strange that happened only to you.

However, I know that takes the courage of finding people who can really hear that conversation, who don’t just see it as an aberration or a mom or [00:02:00] dad or my sibling was just hallucinating on pain meds at the end, maybe, but often not. So you have to gauge that based on what the situation is.

There are some very particular patterns to this. One is that people often talk in metaphors. They might talk about a journey they’re going to undertake. They might talk about packing to get ready for something. They might say, we need to leave. We need to get ready to leave. This is really common. It’s not a literal journey that they’re taking.

It’s a metaphoric journey or a soul journey. It’s not of the body, it’s of something else. And yet this metaphor of journey shows up over and over again, and I think it’s common and it’s really one to listen for. Sometimes it even has time attached to it like someone might say. I think the train is [00:03:00] coming soon, and then the next day they might say, yeah, the train arrived.

It’s at the station now. And then they might say, we need to board the train. So there can be a sense of moving along in this journey and stepping onto the vehicle that’s going to take them. Sometimes someone might even say, I wanna go home. I wanna go home. And maybe they’re not at their home, their place that they feel is home when they say that.

Maybe they’re not talking literally. Maybe they’re talking at a broader level. A second thing I thought was very interesting is that people often talk repetitively. They might talk in patterns, they might repeat things, and what they repeat can really vary. But one fairly common thing is talking in terms of numbers, repeating a series of numbers or saying the same number over and over again.

Another piece of that can be talking about [00:04:00] boxes, things that are four-sided, things that will fit in a box, a sense of a container. So this I thought was fascinating. Shapes and numbers and repetition. Another thing you might be familiar with is that people sometimes have very vivid dreams. Dreams that are more real than real.

They don’t feel like a dream, they feel like a visit. And this is commonly a visit from a family member who has died. Someone we might say, who’s come from the other side. Sometimes it’s an angel or a religious figure, but more typically it’s a visitation from someone who has died. And there are some incredible stories about this situation.

One was from the movie from the When You Die, project series of movies, and a nurse had the experience with a patient where the patient was in the hospital and dying. His family was gathered around. Unbeknownst to him, his sister [00:05:00] had died a week or two before and they hadn’t let him know because he had some confusion and wasn’t going to be able to understand what had really happened.

So they didn’t let him know that his sister had died. And yet they came in his room one day and he said to them, why is she here? Why is my sister here? What is she doing here? Apparently she had come to visit from the other side, and so they knew then that he was seeing something from another dimension.

And that was really an incredible example of a situation where he had no cognitive way of making up that she would’ve visited, and yet there she was. Another thing about the repetition, sometimes people. Are repeating reassurance. They’re saying to maybe themselves and maybe to whoever’s gathered there, I’m okay.

This’ll be okay. I know this is going to be all right. I’ve had a good life. I feel okay. So there’s a [00:06:00] repetition of reassurance and also sometimes there’s a repetition of gratitude. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for all this has been. Thank you for all I am seeing. Thank you everyone. There can also be repetition of resistance.

I’m scared I don’t like this. I’m scared. What is happening? What is this? What’s happening? I think as a family member, just knowing that this pattern of repetition as part of what happens, as we grapple with dying and so we can know that’s there. No, nothing we say will really stop the repetition.

We’re just there to listen and be present to it. Going along with this idea of travel, sometimes there are exclamations about motion. The person has a sensation that they’re moving. Even when they’re not moving, they might say, why is the right side up so high? Or they might say, whoa, that felt funny.

There’s a sense of [00:07:00] moving. And something is maybe moving out of the body. I don’t know. People sometimes hear music or bells or chimes that no one can hear. People sometimes speak in what we might deem as nonsense language, but. Maybe there’s some nuisance to it. As Lisa Smart says, again, in words at the threshold, sometimes people reach up.

There’s a common experience of reaching up towards a corner, reaching up towards the ceiling. We don’t really know what people are reaching towards, but you can know that this is a common experience. So those are just a few things that come up at the end of life, and I just think it’s important to know that this is common. This can be a sign that the end is near. And it can also be I guess I think of it as reassuring if we can see it in that way, that it’s [00:08:00] a, an experience that our bodies and souls know how to do, and we can relax into that knowing to some degree. So the part I really wanna read today is story time Here on the Best Life Best Death podcast.

I wanna read you this section she wrote called, if someone You Love is Dying Now, if you are facing the death of a beloved right now, I invite you to write down the words you hear. Even those that seem to make no sense without editing, fearing, or judging them. A, and I’ll just add, I think this is really valuable.

I’ve talked to a few people who say, oh, I thought I would remember and I wish I’d written it down. So this advice, write it down, keep a little notebook and just jot things down Later. I think you’ll be happy. And later there may be a sense of a pattern that you didn’t even realize was happening at the time.

As you [00:09:00] transcribe the words and as you read through these chapters, you may discover that the very changes you hear in your beloveds language, which may seem scary and confusing, may ultimately bring you comfort and meaning. JUULs often emerge as we listen closely and write down final words, and the transcription process can help us feel more connected to our loved ones and even closer to source.

Many times the dying say things that don’t make sense at the moment, but months or years later, you will find hints of prophecy or answers to questions in those words. Here are some suggestions for you to use as you courageously and compassionately witness final words. Number one, enter the world of your beloved.

Imagine you are visiting a new country. Keep an open heart and mind record. In a final words journal what hear, and [00:10:00] feel. It will be your private travel log about that other place. You may be surprised later by the pearls of wisdom you find there. Number two, have eyes for the sacred. If possible, imagine that the territory you have entered is sacred ground.

Despite the terrible loss looming before you be open to the possibility that something transpersonal is occurring and that the words you hear are tracking its course. Number three, validate your loved one’s words and experiences. Repeat back what your beloved has said to let the person know you heard it, even if it seems a little unusual.

She has an example here in quotes, oh, your modality is broken. I would love to know more about that. In this example, earlier in the chapter, someone had been repeatedly saying, my mo modality [00:11:00] seems to be broken. I don’t know what’s wrong with my modality. So she’s saying you can validate that and ask more.

Avoid telling your beloved that what he or she is seeing or saying is wrong, or quote unquote, not real. Number four, be a student of the language. Since you are in a new country, learn its language, study it, practice it, speak it. Listen for the symbols and metaphors that are meaningful to your beloved, and then use them when you communicate.

For example, ask, would you like me to help you find your passport? When you hear things that sound nonsensical, simply think, oh, that’s how they phrase things in this country. Ask questions. This is number five. Number five, ask questions with authenticity and curiosity. It’s okay to let the dying person know you are confused and would [00:12:00] love to hear more of what he or she wants to communicate.

Could you tell me more about X, Y, or z? Number six, assume your loved one can hear you, even when unresponsive or quiet. Let the dying person know how deep your love goes. As we die, our sense of hearing is the last sense to go when you are in another room, and especially when you’re speaking about your beloved.

Speak with lots of praise and gratitude. Speak words that will bring joy or comfort to the person. Number seven. Savor silence. Sometimes it is better to just sit with your loved one when words don’t build bridges. Know that the dying may be much more attuned to telepathic or other nonverbal communication, much like the kind of communication we experience when we pray.

Speak to the person you love as you would in prayer. I just [00:13:00] love the way she gives us some real actions that we can take as loved ones to be with this process. I know that, death is so complex and so intense, and it’s so outside the realm of our normal lives that sometimes it’s hard to simply.

Drop into it when it’s happening. Sudden deaths are obviously a different sort of animal. So here I’m talking mostly about an expected death, a disease process. Old age and frailty. Something has brought someone to the end of life in a way that there’s a little time. And how we frame that in our minds really impacts how we experience it.

Do we frame it as a terrible thing that needs to be warded off, that must be stopped at all costs that we have to make decisions about and keep last ditch efforts going. Is it possible to reframe this as a natural conclusion [00:14:00] too early, too fast, too hard? Not what we wanted, but a natural conclusion to a life.

And so that story that we tell ourselves in how we hold it really matters for what the experience is. I think that this idea that we can pay attention and be present, the seven things she’s just said that we can do as listeners, as watchers, as vigil, sitters, as friends and family, I think give us something to do because there is this quality of we don’t know what to do when death is coming.

I wanna read another part from the book that I really like where she talks about this end of life dreams and visions a little more deeply. ’cause I think it’s so interesting. So here we go. Page one 14. Of all end of life communications. Deathbed visions have been the most widely studied over the centuries by a range of researchers.

Stories about final words to deceased [00:15:00] loved ones, and figures of all kinds, along with descriptions of beautiful landscapes or architecture appear across decades. Hundreds of stories have been documented and shared about this form of non referential communication, and yet, surprisingly, as a culture, we are just now beginning to acknowledge and recognize these visions and the words that describe them as part of the realm that people perceive as they die.

There is a world that the dying seem to enter that is sometimes shared with us briefly. A 2014 research study at the Center for Hospice and Palliative Care demonstrated that end of life dreams and visions, we’re gonna shorten that to EL. Dvs are common. 87% of the study’s participants reported dreams or visions.

72% of those entailed reunions with deceased loved ones, while 52% [00:16:00] of the visions were related to themes of preparing to go somewhere. The visions appeared months, weeks, days, or hours before death, and typically lessened the fear of dying among those, experiencing them, making their transition from life to death easier.

While it is common for people to experience discomfort, fear, anxiety, and agitation before dying. Quote, A person’s fear of death often diminishes as a direct result of El dvs and what arises is a new insight into mortality. El dvs, again, end of life. Dreams and visions do not deny death, but in fact, they transcend the dying experience.

This knowledge is becoming commonly accepted in the medical field as illustrated by this entry about dying that appears on the mainstream online [00:17:00] resource. WebMD quote, hallucinations and visions, especially of long gone loved ones, can be comforting. If seeing and talking to someone who isn’t there makes the person who’s dying happier.

You don’t need to try to convince them that they aren’t real. It may upset them and make them argue and fight with you. End quote, healthcare professionals tell me that deathbed visions are qualitatively different than hallucinations that result from medications. Hallucinations include images of animals, insects on the walls, dragons, figures, such as devils and visions of people who are critical of the dying, but unknown to them.

Most hallucinations are described as annoying, sometimes frightening, and can easily be managed by medication changes. Hallucinations are more likely to be forgotten by the patient and they occur when the patient is not lucid. Visions unlike hallucinations or delirium, typically [00:18:00] occur in patients who are aware of their environment and are lucid, and these patients often remember their visions clearly.

Palliative care nurse and researcher Madeline Lawrence explained to me during our interview that when patients have deathbed visions, they are able to quote. Move between worlds lucidly and easily, and this capacity does not exist when a patient is heavily influenced by drug-induced hallucinations. We saw in the preceding chapter that some dying people who have the ability to move between worlds express this with hybrid sentences.

For example, a person might say, give me a pencil and paper referring to a real life pencil and paper, and then say, I need to write down the names of everyone coming to the big party tonight when there is no real party, and the list of attendees are all deceased. The person appears to be aware of both the world we know and the one that is unseen to us.

Researchers have determined [00:19:00] that the dying speak to the figures in their visions in complete sentences. While this does not happen frequently when people have hallucinations, my transcripts and accounts confirm this, finding many beloveds reported, hearing loved ones, having complex conversations with deceased friends and relatives.

Martha Joe Atkins, a death educator and counselor, identified the following characteristics associated with the visions of the dying transcended experiences. A need to leave personalized companionship, communication with unseen individuals, positive comfort, and a process of understanding. Fascinating, right?

Some of you may be thinking, whoa, wait, what is this book? I wanna read this book. And some of you may be thinking, are there other books about these subjects? And the answer to both of those is yes. Yes. You can read this book. It’s called Words at the [00:20:00] Threshold. What we say is We’re Needing Death by Lisa Smart.

And yes, there are other books. I’ll just name a few that you might find interesting. There’s a classic book by Patricia Pearson called Opening Heaven’s Door. There’s a wonderful book by Dr. Christopher Kerr and oh boy. He was one of the first really big name people that I called and had on the podcast ages and ages ago, like he was probably a podcast in the teens.

I don’t know the number off the top of my head, but Dr. Christopher Kerr, he wrote a book called Death is But a Dream Finding Hope and Meaning at Life’s End. I’ve already mentioned words of the Threshold by Lisa Smart. There are some very interesting ones about near death experiences, life after Life by Raymond Moody, PhD, md, proof of Heaven by even Alexander.

Oh boy. Bunch of different ones about these deathbed [00:21:00] phenomenon, visions, trips, and crowded rooms by David Kessler. Final Gifts by Maggie Callahan, Patricia Kelly. That’s a classic. People often refer that to that book. The In-Between by Hadley Vlahos is a more recent book. And finally, I’ll throw out a book called Signs the Secret Language of the Universe by Laura Lynn Jackson.

All of these books will give you more information on these really interesting topics. Again, I just encourage you to take this with a grain of salt and with a little bit of storytelling. I love sometimes just reading you parts of my favorite books and sharing some information that you may or may not know and giving you some resources to take it a little bit further.

You’ve been listening to the Best Life Best Death podcast, and as always, you can find out more about the work I do at bestlifebestdeath.com. Thanks for listening.[00:22:00]